I don’t know that a day has gone by over the past
month that I haven’t shed tears. Whenever I hear the stories of the devoted
health care workers, first-responders, or any who are exposing themselves to danger
for the sake of the rest of us, I lose it. As I learn about members of Ascension
who are faithfully reaching out to others to check in on them, joy fills my
heart to overflowing and spills out through my eyes. Hearing music has been
doing it for me, too. Or listening to my grandson, Nicholas, read me a book
while I watch on the phone. Receiving an encouraging word from a friend, or an
expression of gratitude. All these things make me blubber a bit.
I suspect I’m not alone in being more keenly aware of life’s
fullest moments these days. I can’t blow them off, as I normally might. They
engage the connection between my brain and my tear ducts, and I don’t even try
to hold back. This is what it means for me to be present in the moment, without
distraction, and I’m thankful for all of it. I feel like I’m living into my
humanity.
I can’t remember what it was that precipitated it
exactly, but over the weekend I reached an emotional turning-point, what some
would call a catharsis. My daily
tears were just minor leaks in the dam that was still holding back so much.
Well, the damn finally could hold no more. The tears were fierce and they lasted a long
time—what they refer to as wailing in
the Bible. It comes from a place of deep grief for everyone who shares this
planet right now. So much loss, so much fear, so much death. I can’t hold it
all.
Since the dam broke, I’m more at peace with myself,
specifically, and the world, in general. I’m calmer. I’ve gone from my
ramped-up survival response to a more relaxed acceptance of this new reality. Of course, that’s not to say that
I have it all together, or I won’t still have tears and mini-moments of panic when
I touch my groceries, but I can accept all of that as just the way things are.
After
everything came pouring out of me, I knew I couldn’t pick it up again. It was
too much. The only one equipped to handle that burden is God. And so, I let God
have it. I don’t know that I was ready to do that last week. But now I am.
An interesting by-product is that I’m able to sleep
now. All through the night and into the morning. Even without the aid of melatonin.
"Come to me,
all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest.” – Jesus (Matthew 11:39)
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