Why can't Cathy and Joanne get married in my church?

This morning I spoke at a press conference along with two members of my congregation, Joanne and Cathy, and other folks from around North Carolina who are challenging the state’s marriage laws. Yeah, I know, these court cases are popping up all over the country. But this one is different from any other because it is challenging our state’s marriage laws as a violation of the First Amendment to our U.S. Constitution that guarantees religious freedom. And that’s why I wanted to be a part of it.

If you know me at all, you know something about the extraordinary congregation I serve in Charlotte. Long before I arrived at Holy Trinity Lutheran Church nine years ago, they were known as a faith community that welcomes gay folks fully into the life of the congregation. In fact, they were so over all the gay controversy by the time I came to serve them that sexual orientation was a complete non-issue. Our mission of “Loving Not Judging” continues to attract people who have, for one reason or another, been damaged by other Christian congregations in the past. The folks at Holy Trinity are the real deal; you never met such a loving church in your life. (They’re even loving toward their pastor who has a tendency to go off the deep end from time to time.)

Since I’ve been at Holy Trinity, I’ve performed a lot of ceremonies for same-sex couples. We’ve called them a variety of things: Blessing of Rings, Commitment Ceremony, Holy Union, etc. Somewhere along the way, we started calling them a Marriage and we use the Lutheran liturgy from our hymnal with just a couple of slight changes in language. These have always been joyful celebrations with the faith community gathered around the couple in prayer. But they differed from the other weddings at which I officiated because I never signed a marriage license. We all knew that it was a marriage only in the “eyes of God” and settled for that because it’s all we had at the time.

Two years ago, there was a shift in my congregation. That’s when about 20% of North Carolina's voters made the decision for all of us to favor Amendment One, which defines marriage as something that happens between a man and a woman, period. (This was already the law in N.C., but Amendment One was an attempt to make sure nobody could ever come along and change that.) At Holy Trinity we worked hard against Amendment One because it was an affront to our core values as a congregation. When it passed, we were devastated. Many of the same-gender couples in my congregation gave up hope of ever seeing a change in North Carolina during their lifetime.

At the same time, in other states, opportunities for same-gender couples to marry were popping up. What was to prevent couples from my congregation from going elsewhere to do what they could never do in North Carolina? So, one-by-one, I have watched parishioners go outside North Carolina to marry. It’s been a year now since I have married a same-gender couple in my church. I understand why they go out-of-state to marry and don’t blame them for doing so. But it grieves my heart as their pastor.

Can you imagine what it would be like if we had to tell all of our heterosexual couples that they cannot be married in their home state, within the faith communities that love and support them by the clergy who have developed a relationship with them? It’s a ludicrous scenario, isn’t it? Because for people who are deeply connected with their pastors and their faith communities, we expect their weddings to take place within that context. And yet, for a large number of the couples in my congregation, that’s not possible.

Can anyone tell me how this is not a violation of our freedom to practice our religion in a way that is consistent with our beliefs? Of course I would never tell another pastor or congregation that they must marry same gender couples if doing so went against their deeply held beliefs. But why is it okay for those who disagree with the religious beliefs of my faith community to decide how we may or may not be able to practice those beliefs?

In the course of pursuing this litigation, I learned that it is a criminal offense for clergy to preside over a wedding or anything that looks like a wedding for same-gender couples in the State of North Carolina. Oops! Maybe all of us clergy who have performed ceremonies for same-gender couples in North Carolina should turn ourselves in. People would be surprised to learn how many of us there are. But how can those of us who support the loving relationships of same-gender couples do otherwise?

In the same way, as someone who serves as Pastor at Holy Trinity Lutheran Church in Charlotte, I don’t know how I could have chosen NOT to be a Plaintiff in this case. I had no choice if I wanted to faithfully serve my people. 

Among those people are Joanne Marinaro and Cathy Fry, who are also Plaintiffs. Joanne and Cathy have been together for 28 years. They have two grown children. Members of Holy Trinity for 25 years, they are loved and respected in the congregation. They have lived quietly alongside their neighbors as any other family. They have never been out to prove a point in the way they live. They have only been living their lives in the only way they could as the women God created them to be. And yet, now they are putting themselves in the spotlight because they believe the time for change has come. I have so much admiration for them as they have taken this step. While it feels to me that serving as a Plaintiff is part of my job as Pastor at Holy Trinity, for Cathy and Joanne, this is their life.

Lately, when we’re together, I’ve noticed that the topic of our conversation has changed. We’ve been talking a lot about their wedding. And when we do, we don’t speculate about whether or not it will ever happen. Yes, it will. It will happen in Charlotte, at Holy Trinity Lutheran Church. I’ll have the honor of officiating. And they will be surrounded by the faith community that has loved and supported them through the years as they raised their children. I am so looking forward to that day. I’m already thinking about what I’ll say in my homily. If I can do it through the tears.

Miffed about the Media and the Marriage Amendment

I’m miffed at the local media over the way they have framed the upcoming North Carolina vote on Amendment 1. And I’m getting miffeder and miffeder with each day that passes. So much so that, for the first time in my life, I actually wrote a letter to the editor of The Charlotte Observer. Here’s my beef.

Every time they print a news article about Amendment 1, it is called the “Gay Marriage Ban” or the “Amendment to Prohibit Same-gender Marriage.” By continuing to label the amendment as such, the Observer and other so-called news sources are distorting the truth and unduly influencing the way the public views the amendment. The implication is that in May we will be voting on whether or not to approve same-gender marriages. Don’t believe that. It’s a big fat lie.

If you’re interested in learning the facts, and not just the media’s spin on things, here’s how Amendment 1 is worded: "Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State." This amendment affects all couples who are not married. Yes, that includes same-gender couples who might like to marry, but are already prohibited to do so by North Carolina law (and don’t need a constitutional amendment to tell them what they already know). But it also affects opposite-gender couples who are unmarried. Although the state may allow them to be married, some choose not to marry for a variety of reasons.

I’ve known older, retired couples who can’t marry because one of them would lose a pension and they couldn’t afford to live on the reduction in income. I’ve also known heterosexual couples who have refused to marry, out of principle, until all couples are allowed to marry. But whatever their reasons, the fact is, they also will be affected by this amendment.

Amendment 1 will affect hundreds of thousands of North Carolinians: both gay and straight couples, both adults and children. It threatens child custody laws, domestic violence laws, domestic partner benefits, and end-of-life directives. The list could go on and on. It says that the only couples who are protected under the law are men and women who are married.

I would call this the “Discrimination Amendment”, but you won’t see that in any of the headlines of the Charlotte Observer. If I sound angry, I am. I’m miffed at the media for distorting the truth, although I realize they didn’t create it.

I can’t understand how those who represent us in Raleigh allowed this to happen. The constitution isn’t intended to prescribe discrimination against a certain group of people, is it? And now they think it will be helpful to take it to the masses, to put it to a vote? As if we weren’t already polarized enough. It grieves me to the core.

My point is, this is not just about gay marriage. Don't think that when you vote on Amendment 1 you're going to be voting for or against same-gender marriages in North Carolina. In fact, I think it’s very possible to be against gay marriage and oppose this amendment for a variety of reasons: 1)We already have a law that prohibits same gender couples to marry. 2) It is inappropriate as a constitutional amendment. 3) It is allowing discrimination to become the law of the land. 4) It has far-reaching legal implications for ALL domestic partnerships other than those within a marriage. 5) It is wrong for a certain religious group to impose their beliefs on others by making them law. 6) It reflects badly on our state, and that’s bad for business.

I can’t bring myself to think of how the passage of this amendment could affect our state and so many of the families I love. I know that North Carolina is the only Southern state that doesn’t already have such an amendment. (And I’ve been proud of that!) I also know that every time a similar amendment in other states has come before the people for a vote, invariably it has passed. (Although all these amendments are worded differently so people aren’t always voting on the same thing.) And so, it scares me.

If you’ve read this far, you know that I’m an emotional mess over this: I’m angry, I’m grief-stricken, I’m scared. But I also am hopeful. I know that if the people of North Carolina will get off their duffs and vote, and if they are given the facts, all will be well. And that, of course, is why I’m so concerned that they be given the facts and not biased “news” in the media.

I’m praying that we’ll use our heads when we vote on this amendment in North Carolina. And I’m praying that we’ll be the ones who turn the tide on the introduction of fear-based laws that discriminate against those who are not-like-us and threaten the freedom we cherish so much as Americans.